


Reeve's Tale Retake

by corvexed



Category: Boondock Saints (Movies), Canterbury Tales - Geoffrey Chaucer
Genre: F/M, Gen, Post-All Saints Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-29 23:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12095838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvexed/pseuds/corvexed
Summary: Gorgeous George didn't get when the getting was good, so the MacManus brothers need to encourage a quick departure with a little unwitting help from the women in George's life. Script format. First time fic. No in-scene sex, more's the pity, but good for a few laughs.





	Reeve's Tale Retake

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing a script, ever. Or a fanfic, for that matter. Takes place after All Saints Day. There is cursing, mild violence (very mild, for the boys), and suggested adult situations (I'm starting off light, gimme a break). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Written as a modern fabliau, á la Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. (Characters not mine/please don't sue.)

SCENE 1: DOC'S PUB

FADE IN:

DOC'S PUB – NIGHT

FOCUS IS ON THE NEON LIGHT IN THE WINDOW "DOC'S PUB"--LETTERS ARE BACKWARDS FROM THE VIEW INSIDE THE BAR. PULL BACK TO CENTER ON THE BAR.

THE PUB IS OLD WOOD, OLD VINYL, OLD EVERYTHING, WITH REAL HOLE-IN-THE-WALL APPEAL.

CONNOR MACMANUS is closing up the empty pub, wiping down the bar. He is thirty-something with short but shaggy sandy blond hair and light eyes, average height and build toward the wiry side. He wears jeans and a black teeshirt, the barest hint of a rosary around his neck under his shirt. He looks up as the door opens.

MURPHY MACMANUS enters. He is similar in height, weight, build, and clothing to his fraternal twin brother CONNOR, only with closer cut dark hair, dark eyes and a black peacoat. He moves with a fighter's grace, removes his coat to drape it across the bar.

MURPHY  
(with a Boston Irish lilt)  
Brother. I have news about an old friend.

CONNOR glances up with a raised eyebrow.

CONNOR  
(in the same lilt)  
And just how is our little Mexican jumping bean?

MURPHY takes a seat at the bar.

MURPHY  
Not Romeo. George.

CONNOR abruptly stops what he's doing to look his brother in the eye.

CONNOR  
Gorgeous George?

MURPHY  
The same. He's decided he'd like to stay in Boston,  
since we were nice enough to take out the Yakavettas  
for him.

CONNOR  
(breaks out laughing)  
Yer fuckin' with me. Gorgeous, shat-his-wee-pink  
Speedos, fat fucker George? What does he think  
he'll do, become the new Godfather of Beantown?

MURPHY, stone faced, leans over to pour himself a beer from the tap.

CONNOR  
So he didn't take our invitation to leave seriously.

 

FLASHBACK  
A large, shaggy-haired man with a moderate beer gut in nothing but bright pink, European-cut Speedos, tied facedown to a serving cart with duct tape over his mouth. He has "Erin go bragh" painted in large blue letters on his back. He stares around wildly at the other tough-types that populate what is actually DOC'S PUB, who are staring at him with confusion.

 

FLASHBACK  
DOC'S PUB minutes later, bodies everywhere, with George stumbling toward the back room, dazed, still attached to the serving cart.

 

BACK TO DOC'S PUB, CURRENT TIME

 

CONNOR  
Perhaps we weren't clear enough.

MURPHY  
Apparently not. I think we need to restate our position.

CONNOR pulls a beer, sips meditatively. 

CONNOR  
(after a moment)  
What do you say, brother...what do you say we  
pay our old friend a visit? Pay our respects, as it were.

MURPHY  
(beginning to grin)  
Like, say hello to the missus?

CONNOR  
Oh, that too, that too. Say hello to the mist-ress.

They clink mugs and chug.

CONNOR sets down his beer, pulls a phone from his pocket.

CONNOR  
Time to see what Romeo's been up to after all.  
Feckin' jumpin' bean knows everyone, don't he?  
Think he'd be up for a bit o' fun?

MURPHY  
Oh aye. We can see if that colorful family o' his  
is willin' to help.  
(looks concerned as a thought occurs to him)  
Do you think we have enough tequila?

FADE OUT.

 

SCENE 2: THE HONEYMOON SUITE

FADE IN: 

UPSCALE HOTEL SUITE  
Decor is in muted, tasteful colors and luxurious fabrics and woods. GORGEOUS GEORGE and his wife TIFFANY stand amid stacks of designer luggage in the sitting room. Two doors are visible to the right and left behind them. 

GEORGE is tall, paunchy, in his early 40s with too-long shaggy brown hair and a receding hairline. He wears an Italian suit that is almost cut to fit, but somehow misses the mark. He has a gap between his front teeth.

TIFFANY appears to be in her mid-30s. She wears a tight dress with a plunging neckline and a rising hemline, three-inch Jimmy Choos, and enough makeup to spackle a brothel. Jewelry sparkles at her ears, fingers, and throat. Her dyed blonde hair is worn big enough to, with the heels, make her nearly as tall as her husband. She holds a fluffy white Pomeranian with a jeweled collar to her ample chest.

TIFFANY  
(whining in a thick Jersey accent)  
But George! George, we was supposed to get the  
penthouse suite. It's our anniversary, George. Our  
anniversary!

 

GEORGE  
(with barely contained irritation in a stereotypical  
Boston accent)  
Tiffany, honey, I told you. The penthouse was taken.

TIFFANY  
(stamping a foot)  
It wouldn'ta been if you'd planned ahead! Our  
anniversary is the same day every year, and you  
couldn't remember to get a reservation in on time?

The dog yips in agreement.

GEORGE  
(shuts his eyes, gathers patience)  
This is the honeymoon suite, baby. It's got a jacuzzi  
and a king size bed. Ain't that more romantic?

TIFFANY  
(pouting)  
But it's not the penthouse. There's barely enough  
room for Prissy to stretch her legs.  
(baby talking to the dog)  
Is there, boo boo? No there isn't. Poor baby puppy  
stuck in a widdle woom.

GEORGE  
(makes an obvious effort to smile,  
approaches her with arms extended)  
Come on, baby. It's our anniversary. Let's celebrate.  
I can order champagne—

GEORGE gently squeezes her shoulders and the dog goes apeshit, barking and lunging at him. GEORGE curses and lets TIFFANY go, stumbling backward over the couch with the dog attached to his sleeve like a noisy lamprey. He snatches the dog away with a roar and struggles to his feet. TIFFANY shrieks and whips a crystal vase at his head. He ducks and it shatters behind him. He stumble-crawls to the door, avoiding pillows, a small clock, a shoe.

TIFFANY  
(screaming)  
Don't you hurt my dog! 

She heaves a still-packed suitcase over her head.

CUT TO HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE HONEYMOON SUITE

A uniformed hotel employee down the hall quickly turns his head away. George dives out of the door while the suitcase explodes against the wall in front of him, belching clothing and beauty products. He scrambles to his feet and makes a run for the elevator, nearly knocking into the hotel employee as he does. The hotel employee steps into a recessed doorway in just in time.

TIFFANY is still screaming with the dog barking excitedly around her feet.

GEORGE  
(as the doors slide shut)  
Fucking cunt!

CUT TO PANEL ABOVE ELEVATOR AS THE DOORS SLIDE SHUT

Panel is lit at the number 22 before it begins to count down to the left. 22 is immediately under the letter P, which is at the far right of the panel.

CUT BACK TO TIFFANY

TIFFANY  
(stomps in pure frustration)  
Dickless wonder!

TIFFANY stalks lopsidedly on one shoe back into the suite with the dog at her heels, slams the door behind her. 

Hotel employee (CONNOR) pokes his head around the corner of a recessed doorway from down the hall, assesses the closed elevator doors and the mess on the floor. He ducks back as the suite door opens again.

TIFFANY sobs and mutters as she shoves her possessions back into the suitcase and drags it back into the suite. The dog grips a hanging piece of clothing in its teeth to help tug. CONNOR can be seen warily peeking around the corner in the background.

CUT TO CONNOR

Sound of door slamming in the background. Holds a phone up to his ear without dialing. 

CONNOR  
Murphy? Are you there, brother?

MURPHY  
(heard over the phone)  
Aye, Connor. Quite a show, that was.

 

CONNOR  
(crosses himself, touches the rosary  
under his shirt)  
The Lord must be payin' attention. Which way  
did George go?

MURPHY  
Up to the penthouse.

CONNOR  
(not surprised)  
Did he, now? Isn't that just serendipitous.

MURPHY  
Mysterious ways. Are we a go, then?

CONNOR  
We are.  
(lifts a duffel bag from the recessed  
doorway, pulls out a flashlight)  
Hit it.

The lights go out.

A muffled shriek is heard from within the honeymoon suite. CONNOR shoulders the duffel and flicks on the flashlight, heading down the hallway away from the elevator doors. A phone is heard ringing, and TIFFANY's voice hesitantly answers it.

The hallway is lit by the emergency exit lights and CONNOR's flashlight. He glances back over his shoulder and disappears around the corner. A series of clicks as each of the doors on the floor open a crack.

A snuffling sound.

ZOOM TO BOTTOM OF DOOR TO HONEYMOON SUITE

PRISSY the dog noses the door wider and snuffles at the floor. TIFFANY can be heard on the phone inside, giving management a hard time for the terrible scare she just endured. PRISSY steps out into the hallway, then wags her tail and makes a beeline for the turn of the hallway at the elevator doors. She rounds the corner.

ZOOM TO DOOR TO HONEYMOON SUITE

Muffled epithets, then a noise like the handset of a phone being slammed down. Momentary silence. We hear TIFFANY calling for her dog. She cautiously peeks her head into the hallway, peering both ways.

TIFFANY  
Prissy? Priscilla, where are you, sweetie?

She opens the door wider and sweeps her phone like a searchlight across the hallway.

TIFFANY  
Where did you go, puppy girl?

CAMERA FOLLOWS as she edges out into the hallway and tiptoes, barefoot, toward the elevator. 

TIFFANY  
(under her breath)  
George, you dipshit. Found the only hotel in  
Boston where they coulda filmed The Shining.  
If I see anything like twins, I'm gonna run, and then  
I'm gonna beat the living shit out of your fat ass for  
being a dipshit. For being a cheap dipshit!

She gasps as the clinking sound of cutlery being dragged across a plate can be heard from around the corner. She shines the phone around the corner and finds her dog happily cleaning up a tray of leftover food that had been left out for housekeeping. PRISSY wags her tail and licks her chops as TIFFANY approaches.

TIFFANY  
Prissy! You bad girl. What did you get into?

She scoops up the dog and minces as quickly as possible back to the suite, shining the phone around with mild paranoia the entire time.

As she returns to the honeymoon suite, a gentle light flickers from within. TIFFANY approaches the door cautiously. PRISSY whines a bit. They enter.

A magnum of champagne in ice has been placed on the credenza next to the bedroom door, and candles placed on either side of the door with rose petals strewn between. The bedroom door is slightly open.

TIFFANY  
(timidly)  
George? Honey? Is that you?

PRISSY sniffs the air once and lets out a series of barks. TIFFANY sets her down and turns toward the bedroom. Her expression is a mix of victory and curiosity.

 

TIFFANY  
Well, it's gotta be you. Nobody hates you like  
my Prissy.

TIFFANY shoos the dog away from the bedroom door.

TIFFANY  
Hush, baby.

She affects a sexy sway and enters the bedroom.

TIFFANY  
(heard from within in a husky croon)  
Georgie, honey, you romantic sexy hunk! I hope  
you're ready for a long, hard night.

Momentary silence.

TIFFANY  
(with shock)  
Who are you...?

The sound of something silky slipping to the floor, immediately followed by a throaty female chuckle of appreciation.

TIFFANY  
Mmm. Don't answer that, just commere...!

FADE OUT.

 

SCENE 3: THE PENTHOUSE

FADE IN:

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN

GEORGE steps out. He smooths his hair, straightens his tie, tests his breath against his palm. He strides to the one set of doors in the hallway and slides a keycard into the slot on the door. He enters with a confident shift of his shoulders.

GEORGE  
Taffy, baby! Daddy's home!

THE PENTHOUSE has a huge center room with a plasma TV and other expensive accoutrements.

A tall, lanky redhead in her mid-20s rises unsteadily from the giant sectional sofa in front of the TV. She doesn't notice that she knocks over a mostly-empty wine glass as she stands, which rolls over to stop by the empty bottle of chardonnay lying on its side on the floor. She's in royal blue lingerie, complete with matching high heels. She throws herself with a squeal on George.

TAFFY  
Oooh baby! I was getting so worried! You  
said you'd be here by eight. But now it's...  
(she hesitates, thinking hard)  
Ten. It's ten! Isn't it?

TAFFY pouts prettily before smiling drunkenly and covering his face with kisses.

TAFFY  
Did you bring me something, Daddy?

GEORGE  
I sure did!

He growls into her neck as he sweeps her off her feet and carries her to a couch not unlike the one he tripped over a floor below. TAFFY giggles and kicks. GEORGE sets her down and reaches into his jacket pocket with a gap-toothed grin that fades as he begins to pat each pocket anxiously.

TAFFY  
(looks on with concern)  
Didn't you remember?

GEORGE  
I did, baby, I did. I got you that perfume you like  
so much. The stuff that costs a arm anna leg just  
to sniff.

He continues to recheck his pockets, talking to himself.

GEORGE  
I must've left it in the suite.

TAFFY  
(perks up, her giggles replaced by  
suspicion)  
Did you say "suite"?

 

GEORGE  
(looks like a deer in headlights, tries to  
play it off)  
No, no. I said "sweet", like "it would've been sweet".

TAFFY  
(glaring)  
You said "suite", I heard you.  
(her voice speeds up as it rises)  
"Suite" like "other rooms" like maybe in this hotel  
like maybe you brought your wife!

TAFFY speaks this last word like it's a four-letter swear. GEORGE begins to back away as she comes off the couch towards him.

TAFFY  
You promised! You promised, George! You said  
we could have a whole weekend just for us!

GEORGE has his hands up, waving them to either ward off the accusations or an attack. She shoves him toward the door.

Poor GEORGE is flustered. 

GEORGE  
But...but it's my anniversary.

TAFFY  
(shrieks)  
Your WHAT?

She removes a shoe and whips it at his head. Not to be caught a second time, GEORGE beats it to the hallway in no time flat, slamming the door behind him. 

TAFFY drops to the couch in a depressed pout.

CUT TO ELEVATOR

GEORGE  
(muttering)  
Women! Fuck me.  
(runs a hand through his hair making it  
stand on end, and comes to a decision)  
Fuck it! I'll get a drink. I'll get a few drinks!

GEORGE stands upright and punches the Lobby button.

CUT TO PANEL ABOVE ELEVATOR DOORS, COUNTING DOWN TO “L”

The lights go out. Only the emergency exit lights stay on. A phone rings briefly and quietly in the background.

CAMERA FOLLOWS THE PANEL AS THE NUMBERS COUNT BACK UP TO “P”

This time it's MURPHY who emerges from the elevator. He's in a hotel uniform pushing a serving cart loaded with a magnum of Krystal on ice. The cart is rimmed with lit candles. He knocks at the door of the penthouse.

MURPHY  
Room service!

TAFFY  
(from behind the door)  
What kind of service?

MURPHY  
A gift from management, miss. For your  
inconvenience.

TAFFY  
(hesitates)  
My what?

MURPHY  
(enunciating)  
Your in-con-ven-ience. For the lights.

Silence.

MURPHY  
I brought champagne.

The door immediately opens. TAFFY stands in the doorway, leaning elegantly if slightly unsteadily against the doorway. She gives Murphy a slow once-over, a hungry grin beginning to light her face.

TAFFY  
You know, I really have been terribly  
in-con-ven-ienced tonight. Do you think champagne  
will be enough?

 

MURPHY  
(amused and a bit wary, returns  
her suggestive examination)  
What would you prefer, miss?

TAFFY abruptly grabs MURPHY by his shirt front and drags him inside, shutting the door. A moment later the door opens again, and MURPHY's arm snags the Krystal from the cart before the door slams shut again.

FADE OUT.

 

SCENE 4: THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE HONEYMOON SUITE

FADE IN:

THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON.

CUT TO ELEVATOR PANEL ABOVE DOORS COMING STOP AT 22.

Elevator dings. GEORGE trips out. His tie is askew, his hair is standing on end, he's got a bottle of perfume in his hand, and he's looking happier than he has all night.

GEORGE hums to himself as he trips down the hall. He swipes at the key reader, misses, tries again, fails, turns the card over and fails again before he pulls out another card, which works. The door opens, and he calls out as he enters, the door swinging shut behind him.

THE CAMERA STAYS IN THE HALLWAY, FOCUSED ON THE DOOR.

GEORGE  
(heard from inside the suite)  
Taffy! You hot little...thing. I gotcher perfume.  
'S right here! It was...hey. Hey! What's goin' on?

TIFFANY  
(irate)  
Who the hell is Taffy?

GEORGE  
Whointh'hell're...

Brief silence, then:

GEORGE  
(roaring)  
MACMANUS!

Something breaks against a wall. Chaos erupts. TIFFANY is shrieking, the dog is barking nonstop, GEORGE is roaring accusations and observations, and through it all we can hear CONNOR laughing his ass off.

CONNOR comes flying out of the room clad only in boxer briefs with the duffel bag over his shoulder. He tears down the hallway.

GEORGE is hot on his heels, but trips over the dog on his way out the door. He curses creatively and punts the dog back into the suite. 

TIFFANY takes it up a notch in volume and intent at the abuse of her dog and follows GEORGE, swinging the bottle of champagne at his head.

CONNOR makes a beeline for the emergency stairs and runs up them two at a time, bellowing the whole way.

CONNOR  
Murph! The gig's up, Murph! Incoming!  
Fatass dumbfucker on my six! 

MURPHY has the door open by the time CONNOR skids up to the room. MURPHY, too, is in nothing but boxer briefs and a huge grin. His eyes get big as he spots the giant, frothing madman lurching towards them as he ducks the crazy blonde swinging a bottle at him. The dog brings up the rear, still yapping full pitch. GEORGE bursts into the room before MURPHY can get the door shut, just as TAFFY emerges from the bedroom, tying a slinky robe.

GEORGE's eyes are drawn to MURPHY, to TAFFY, and back to MURPHY. His face gets even redder, if possible, and he looks on the verge of a stroke.

GEORGE  
Keep! Your! Fucking! Hands! Off! My!  
Girlfriend! you monkeyraping cocksucker!

GEORGE makes a move to grab at MURPHY, but CONNOR coldcocks him first. As GEORGE reels and rights himself, he's swung back the other way when the bottle glances off his jaw, wielded by TIFFANY.

TIFFANY  
(enraged)  
Girlfriend??

MURPHY makes a move to take a swing himself, but CONNOR catches his arm, looking significantly to TAFFY, who, literally, has her claws out.

 

TAFFY  
(shrieking)  
Wife??

It's a dog pile. TIFFANY jumps on GEORGE, TAFFY jumps on TIFFANY, and PRISSY nips at everyone. Fur flies and blood flows. 

CONNOR and MURPHY stand back in awe, arms crossed in mirrored stance, admiring their handiwork.

CONNOR  
(considering)  
This wasn't how I saw this going, you know.

MURPHY  
(smirking)  
When do your plans ever go the way you see them?

CONNOR  
(protesting)  
Hey!

CONNOR musses MURPHY's hair, who slaps his hand away. They turn to go.

SOUND FADES OUT AS THEY JOSTLE EACH OTHER DOWN THE HALLWAY

CONNOR  
Didn't even need rope this time, did we?

MURPHY  
(laughing)  
Fucking rope! Did we get that extra crate of tequila in?

CONNOR  
What tequila?

MURPHY  
The tequila we was to give Romeo and the half o’ his kin  
as works at this dump.

CONNOR  
I thought you ordered it!

MURPHY  
You're an idiot!

CONNOR  
But my dick's bigger, innit?

FADE TO BLACK ON THE BOYS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE

END.


End file.
